When we send our children to school, we are sending them with some expectations: that they will be enthusiastic about going and they will want to learn and have fun, that we as parents can trust that the teachers and staff at the school will have a good attitude and have every child’s best interest in front. The parents’ responsibility is to help the child be a success by insisting on regular no-distraction homework and study times at home and be a part of the school community, possibly as a volunteer in the school.
So, when we realize out child is having difficulties at school: unhappy there, having a hard time paying attention, having difficulty making friends, telling you that she doesn’t like school and doesn’t want to go any more, getting calls from the teacher that your son is not following the rules or is not paying attention or is not “working up to expectations”, it is time to take stock of what is going on.
One of the things you should keep in mind is that the school wants your child to succeed. Teachers really want your child to be happy and excited about learning, and feel comfortable in school. You, your child, your child’s teachers and the school administration are a team. So you have do your part. As soon as you get the sense that your child may be having problems, it is good to contact the teacher directly. Usually, this means an initial email or phone message to the teacher at the school. You should list your child’s behavior (he is crying, she takes too long doing age appropriate homework, he says somebody at school is bothering him, etc.) and ask for a phone conference to discuss your and the teacher’s concerns. It is very important that you write down a list of what you are seeing or hearing from your child for good communication with the teacher. When you speak with the teacher, go over the list and write down the teacher’s responses to your concerns. It is very important to note the teacher’s feedback and advise about your child’s problems. And it is really important to take this expert’s reasonable advise and consider how to use it with your child.
If, after this conversation, your child continues to have a problem at school, you should ask for an in-person conference. You can request a conference appointment through the teacher or the Guidance Counselor, and expect that they will contact you back in two or three school days to do that. You should contact the Principal to set up an appointment if no one gets back to you within that time. Usually, this first meeting would not involve your child, and may be with just you and the teacher. The meeting should be about the things that concern you, (using the list that you wrote about your child’s behaviors and the teacher’s reply to your list), as well as what the teacher is seeing at school. At that meeting, the teacher should give you some more advise about how you can both work as a team to help your child be happier and a better student.
It is important that you let the teacher tell you what he or she sees as going on in the school with your child. It is also important that you give the teacher information about how you see your child. For example, the teacher may see your child as sweet and very smart but also very talkative and disruptive or the class clown. You can share that your child is very outgoing and extremely creative at home, painting or writing plays, used to being in the spotlight. The goal is to find the common thread for you both, so you can work to help your child be a success in school. When we at the Center for Mindful Change, LLC work with parents who are concerned about their child, we encourage them to be organized and direct in interacting with the teacher. We remind parents that they can always request a meeting with the Guidance Counselor (if there is one) or with the Principal, or go even high up the chain of command if they feel that the situation is not being resolved appropriately.
If there are continuing concerns about your child’s ability to learn or adapt to the school setting, either you can request in writing or the school may contact you to discuss testing. Testing is usually started when a child is seen to have considerable gaps in his ability to learn. You will be asked to sign permission for testing, and after the testing, a meeting will be held to tell you about the results, and the school’s recommendations.
All of these things we have discussed have one goal in mind: To help your child be as happy and successful in school as he can be, as he will be spending a majority of his day and his childhood there.